


for the friends i've made (for the sleepless nights)

by aruallz



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Drunk Texting, F/F, F/M, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Funny, Humor, M/M, Neighbors, Texting, if shit doesn't make sense just blame it on the fact that im not in college yet, ill add to the tags as we go along, theyre all neighbors at the same college hall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-05-27 02:16:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15014468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aruallz/pseuds/aruallz
Summary: The Marauders & Co are all neighbors in college. These are some highlights of their shitshow of a groupchat as Sirius and Remus dance around each other, the boys pull over-the-top pranks and Lily tries to convince them all that no, she really REALLY isn't in love with James.orthe shitty Marauders modern AU texting fic ive always wanted to write ¯\_(ツ)_/¯(title from The Front Bottoms’ brilliant song Twin Size Mattress)





	1. beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> *banging pans and pots together* i wrote this to overcome today's depression!!!!! it fucking sucks but enjoy!!!!!!!

_[Sept. 23rd - 11:02 A.M.]_

 

_Lily Evans created the group ‘St Woods Hall’._

_Lily Evans added Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, James Potter and 4 others._ _  
_

 

 **Lily Evans  
** hey everyone! here’s the groupchat remus and I said we should all have to make stuff easier  
  
**Moony  
** hey guys  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** hiya  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** hi  
who’s moony?  
  
**Padfoot  
** Moony is Remus, I set his nickname  
hey everyone  
  
**Lily Evans  
** I’m guessing you’re potter?  
  
**Prongs  
** incorrect, potter’s me  
padfoot is sirius  
but i’m glad to see you miss me evans ;)  
  
**Lily Evans  
** why do you not have regular names like everyone else  
  
**Padfoot  
** where’s the fun in that  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** you guys are so extra  
  
**Padfoot  
** listen. i’m a disaster gay  
i gotta  
  
**Wormtail  
** hey guys  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** okay what the fuck does that one even mean  
  
**Prongs  
** his face is like a rat’s  
  
**Wormtail  
** i wear it as my badge of honor it’s fine  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** i feel more and more sorry for remus  
  
**Moony  
** dhjskqkkfhjsqdk it’s fine  
i’m rooming with peter and he’s the least worse so  
  
**Padfoot  
** UMMMMM  
i am personally offended  
  
**Moony  
** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
**Padfoot  
** holy shit  
how did you do that  
  
**Lily Evans  
** anyway that’s not why I texted you lot  
a really cool band the girls and I love is gonna be playing at a bar near campus tomorrow  
if you guys wanna go with us  
  
**Prongs  
** absolutely  
  
**Padfoot  
** sure  
  
**Lily Evans  
** great! it’s at 8  
i’ll send you the address as soon as i get home  
  
**Moony  
** sounds good  
  
  
_[11:18 A.M.]  
  
__James Potter created the group ‘HOLY SHIT GUYS’.  
  
__James Potter added Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew.  
  
  
_**Moony  
** james  
for the love of god  
we literally have like six group chats already  
  
**Prongs  
** YES I KNWO BUT I NEED TO SCRZAM  
  
**Wormtail  
** oh god  
  
**Prongs  
** YOU DONT UNDERSTAND GUYS SHES SO WONDERFUL  
IM IN LOVE WITH EHR  
  
**Wormtail  
** mate you’ve known her for three days  
  
**Prongs  
** DID I FUCKING STUTTER  
  
**Padfoot  
** yes  
you did  
im sitting right next t  
  
**Wormtail  
** finish your sentence pads  
  
**Moony  
** sirius is dead and james killed him  
  
**Padfoot  
** what no  
he threw a pillow at my face  
im a bad bitch you cant kill me  
  
**Moony  
** okay edgelord  
  
**Padfoot  
** you guys should really come see this though  
we’re down in the living room  
hes pacing around and blabbering about which shade of red lily’s hair is  
  
**Moony  
** why are you even texting us right now  
fucking film this  
ill be right there  
  
**Padfoot  
** [sent a video]  
  
**Moony  
** JBHSFDQKLSKFJDSK  
SIRIUS  
WAIT WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING  
  
**Wormtail  
** are those  
are those little soccer balls on his pajama pants  
  
**Prongs  
** as soon as i find you im gonna fucking kill you sirius  
  
**Padfoot  
** you gotta catch me first bitch  
  
  
_[4:40 P.M.]  
  
__Sirius Black > St Woods Hall  
  
  
_**Padfoot  
** opinions on ice cream in the winter  
go  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** unacceptable  
  
**Padfoot  
** thanks youre blocked  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** are you fucking kidding me mary  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** ice cream is a year long dessert and if you disagree youre wrong bye  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** you can all fucking fight me  
meet me in the pit  
  
**Moony  
** i’m more of a frozen yogurt kind of guy  
but who cares about the season it’s delicious at all times  
  
**Padfoot  
** thank you moony  
i was afraid i was gonna have to unfriend you  
  
**Lily Evans  
** ( ͡°͜ʖ͡°)  
  
**Padfoot  
** what  
  
**Lily Evans  
** nothing  
anyway  
ice cream in the winter is NECESSARY  
how else do you like  
live your life  
  
**Padfoot  
**_@Prongs_ its ok i approve  
you can marry her now  
i give you my blessing  
  
**Prongs  
** completely agree!!! ice cream in the winter is mandatory!!!  
  
**Padfoot  
** hjsdqklsdhgfskql james you fake ass BITCH  
youre lactose intolerant  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** HJSKQLSFJHKQ  
NERD  
  
**Prongs  
** pfff what  
no im not  
  
**Padfoot  
** what about the time you took a bite out of peters ice cream sandwich and we had to drive you to the hospital huh  
  
**Prongs  
** an unrelated issue  
I had pollen allergies  
because spring  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** sirius black i see your question and raise you this :  
  
**Padfoot  
** i’m listening  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** hot chocolate in the summer  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** oh now we’re asking the important questions  
  
**Prongs  
** sorry but  
thats a no from me  
  
**Wormtail  
** okay simon cowell  
  
**Moony  
** james you utter fool  
you absolute buffoon  
you insolent coward  
  
**Lily Evans  
** hot chocolate is just as timeless as ice cream you heathens  
  
**Padfoot  
** eh idk  
sometimes it’s just too hot for hot drinks on top of it all yanno  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** youre wrong but ok go off i guess  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** @Lily you left the stove on  
  
**Lily Evans  
** that wasn’t me I didn’t cook today  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** OH FUCK  
THATS ON ME  
SORRY  
BE RIGHT THERE  
  
**Padfoot  
** you guys are a fucking living breathing fire hazard  
  
**Prongs  
** sirius you literally put a spoon in the microwave like two days ago  
  
**Padfoot  
** why do you have to call me out like this  
you really enjoy ruining my panache huh  
  
**Prongs  
** you have no idea what that word means do you  
  
**Padfoot  
** i absolutely FUCKING don’t my guy!!!!!!  
  
  
_[Sept. 24th - 09:15]  
  
__Peter Pettigrew > HOLY SHIT GUYS  
  
  
_**Wormtail  
** for fucks sake guys turn down the music will you  
  
**Prongs  
** sorry worms  
sirius didn’t want to wake up so i had to use more drastic measures  
  
  
_Sirius Black changed the groupchat name to ‘Marauders VII’.  
  
  
_**Padfoot  
** its barely past nine am on a SATURDAY  
yall should’ve left me the fuck alone now im gonna be pissed off all day  
  
**Prongs  
** okay calm down emo boy  
youre literally smiling to your phone right this second  
  
**Padfoot  
** no im not  
  
**Prongs  
** sirius i can SEE you  
  
**Moony  
** is it  
is it the meme  
  
**Padfoot  
** ……………maybe  
  
**Prongs  
** what meme  
  
**Moony  
** i sent him a history meme  
because hes a nerd  
  
**Wormtail  
** guys come down to the living room im bored  
  
**Prongs  
** can we play uno  
  
**Wormtail  
** sure  
  
**Moony  
** only if you promise not to throw cards around when you inevitably lose  
  
**Prongs  
** moons you know i literally cannot promise you that  
  
**Padfoot  
** hes gonna throw the fucking table  
lets GO  
  
  
_[03:07 P.M.]  
  
__Sirius Black > Remus Lupin  
  
_**Padfoot  
** hey im at the library  
where r u  
  
**Moony  
** hi sorry  
i was helping dorcas out with something im gonna be a bit late  
  
**Padfoot  
** its ok dont worry  
just wanted to make sure i didn’t get the time wrong  
  
**Moony  
** you didnt  
im just an asshole  
  
**Padfoot  
** shut up dude it happens its ok  
  
**Moony  
** is peter there  
  
**Padfoot  
** no  
havent heard from him in like two hours  
  
**Moony  
** oh for fucks sake  
  
**Padfoot  
** fjkdjshdkq its ok moony  
you know how he is  
hes probably on his way  
  
**Moony  
** he better be  
  
**Padfoot  
** hes here!! just walked in  
ok we’re waiting for u  
  
**Moony  
** im in the bus ill be right there  
  
**Padfoot  
** no need to rush  
get here safe  
  
  
_[03:49 P.M.]  
  
__Marlene McKinnon > St Woods Hall  
  
  
_**Marlene McKinnon  
** still all good for tonight??  
  
**Prongs  
** hell yeh  
  
**Padfoot  
** yeh  
  
**Moony  
** yeh  
  
**Lily Evans  
** yeh  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** yeh  
  
**Wormtail  
** yeh  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** yeh  
  
**Prongs  
** stop  
  
**Padfoot  
** you brought this on yourself  
but yes marlene it’s all good  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** great!! we can go together at like 7:45 if thats okay with yall  
  
**Moony  
** sure  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** yeh  
  
**Prongs  
** mary you were my last hope……………  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** well wasn’t that foolish of you  
  
**Prongs  
** i trusted u……………  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
**Prongs  
** @ _Moony_ look at you being a bad influence  
  
**Moony  
** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
  
_[07:22 P.M.]  
  
__Remus Lupin > Marauders VII  
  
  
_**Moony  
** hm hi hello  
lads  
where the FUCK is james  
peter and i are ready and im pretty sure sirius is too but no james  
  
**Padfoot  
** hes not in the living room?  
  
**Moony  
** no  
  
**Wormtail  
** @ _Padfoot_ arent you with him?  
  
**Padfoot  
** well i _was_ like an hour ago  
he said he was gonna get ready though  
  
**Moony  
** well hes not in your room either  
  
**Padfoot  
** are you sure  
wait  
how would you even know that  
  
**Moony  
** i cant hear anything through the door  
  
**Wormtail  
** hes lying  
he picked the lock  
  
**Moony  
** fuckin-  
PETER  
  
**Padfoot  
** shjqklksjhk you did WHAT  
  
**Moony  
** YOU SNITCH  
  
**Padfoot  
** moony im shocked to my core  
  
**Moony  
** not the point  
we need to find james  
  
**Wormtail  
** ill check outside the hall  
  
  
_[07:41 P.M.]  
  
__Dorcas Meadowes > St Woods Hall  
  
  
_**Dorcas Meadowes  
**_[sent a picture]  
_ can someone tell me what the fuck james is doing in my room  
  
**Padfoot  
** jhsdkqjsfdkq  
wait are those FLOWERS  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** theyre LILIES  
  
**Prongs  
** lilies for my lily  
my sun and stars  
  
**Moony  
** three days. james for fucks sake its been three days  
  
**Padfoot  
** your bowtie is crooked you heathen  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** sirius come get him  
lily isn’t even here  
  
**Prongs  
** NO DONT COME GET ME  
ILL WAIT  
I DONT MIND  
  
**Padfoot  
** ill be right there bye  
  
  
_[11:52 P.M.]  
  
__Lily Evans > Remus Lupin  
  
  
_**Lily Evans  
** just wanted to thank you and the guys for coming!! it was really fun  
  
**Moony  
** thank you for inviting us!  
james is reading over my shoulder and _“apologizing for his behavior”_ before we left  
  
**Lily Evans  
** hjskdqls  
well thats quite mature of him i gotta give him that one  
  
**Moony  
** hes still pretty drunk so dont count on it too much  
  
**Lily Evans  
** dont tell sober james i said that  
  
**Moony  
** no worries  
your confessions of undying love are safe with me  
  
**Lily Evans  
** haaa right  
okay i should go  
goodnight remus  
  
**Moony  
** goodnight!  
  
  
_[03:21 A.M.]  
  
__Sirius Black > Marlene McKinnon  
  
  
_**Padfoot  
** is it bad that the thought of remus picking locks turns me on a little bit  
  
**Marlene  
** its three in the morning sirius go the fuck to sleep  
  
**Padfoot  
** yes ma’am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments cure my acne and cleanse my soul from the sins of my forefathers


	2. useless gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some halloween prep, some feelings & mary being a Big Old Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy??

_[Oct. 1st - 00:00 A.M.]_  
  
Sirius Black  > St Woods Hall  
  
**Padfoot  
** _[sent a video]_

 **Wormtail  
** oh no

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a picture]  
_ _[sent a gif]_

 **Lily Evans  
** sirius what  
why all the skeletons

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_

 **Mary MacDonald  
** its not even halloween

 **Padfoot  
** I T S A L W A Y S H A L L O W E E N

 **Lily Evans  
**_@Prongs_ take his phone away

 **Prongs  
** hes locked inside the bathroom

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_

 **Prongs  
** he knew this was coming

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** wait  
doesn’t remus know how to pick locks

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a video]  
_ _[sent a gif]_

 **Moony  
** uh  
marlene how do you know that

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** sirius mentioned it

 **Lily Evans  
** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** why do so many variations of this gif even exist

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** the pumpkin man is having a Good Time

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** remus youre the only one who can fight this evil

 **Moony  
** im already in bed theres no way im getting up  
the hallway is cold as balls

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_

 **Mary MacDonald  
** october 1st is officially Kick Sirius’ Ass Day

 **Wormtail  
** guys just turn your notifications off

 **Padfoot  
** _[sent a gif]_  
_[sent a gif]  
_ _[sent a picture]_

 **Wormtail  
** let him have his fun

_Sirius Black changed the groupchat name to ‘TIME TO GET SPOOPY’_

**Prongs  
** sirius im gonna shatter your kneecaps

 

_[7:28 A.M.]_

_James Potter > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Prongs  
** sirius

 **Padfoot  
** i will not apologize for my spooky beliefs

 **Prongs  
** i wasn’t gonna ask you to  
i was gonna remind you we’re practicing tonight  
also im on the wrong chat fuck

 **Padfoot  
** oh yeah true  
what time

 **Prongs  
** like 8?

 **Padfoot  
** okay g

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** practicing for football?

 **Prongs  
** yeah tryouts are next week

 **Padfoot  
** you wanna be on the team McKinnon?

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** sure

 **Padfoot  
** what  
wait really

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** yes really  
see you guys at 8

 

_[7:35 A.M.]_

_Sirius Black > James Potter_

**Padfoot  
** what just happened

 **Prongs  
** she’s gonna kick our asses at football thats what happened

 

_[7:37 A.M.]_

_Dorcas Meadowes > BAMFs_

**Dorcas Meadowes  
** marlene

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** yes thats me

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** since when do you know how to play football

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** i absolutely DONT know how to play football my guy!!!!!

 **Mary MacDonald  
** djklsshjkqlfjdsk

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** are you seriously just doing this for the guys

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** what  
no  
dorcas im insulted you would think i’d want to date either sirius or james

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** didnt say anything about dating  
you just sound like you want to impress them thats all

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** tbh football just sounds fun  
and i want to beat sirius at tryouts

 **Lily Evans  
** understandable

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** anyway im waiting for you hoes outside the hall

 **Lily Evans  
** be right there

 

_[12:58 P.M.]_

_Lily Evans > Remus Lupin_

**Lily Evans  
** hey are you gonna watch the boys practice tonight?

 **Moony  
** depends at what time i finish work but it should be around 8:30  
9pm tops

 **Lily Evans  
** okay cool i’ll be there with dorcas if you wanna join us when youre done

 **Moony  
** sounds great! ill text you

 

_[8:11 P.M.]_

_Peter Pettigrew > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Wormtail  
** does anyone want to go have burgers  
I really want burgers

 

_[8:24 P.M.]_

**Wormtail  
**???  
guys

 

_[8:36 P.M.]_

**Wormtail  
** if no one replies in five minutes im calling the police

 **Mary MacDonald  
** theyre at the football field Peter  
im the only one still at work i think

 **Wormtail  
** oh

 **Mary MacDonald  
** although remus might still be working im not sure

 **Wormtail  
** sorry i wont bother you then

 **Mary MacDonald  
** no its okay dont worry! im keeping the shop open until 9:30 today if you wanna come here for a bit  
its completely empty but i gotta stay here so some company would be great

 **Wormtail  
** oh cool! i’ll be right there

 

_[10:14 P.M.]_

_James Potter > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Prongs  
** sorry we missed your texts worms  
and thank u for rescuing him @ _MaryMacDonald_

 **Mary MacDonald  
** no worries  
he spilled tea about the rest of you boys so it was great  
kept me from falling asleep

 **Padfoot  
** peter you fucking snitch

 **Wormtail  
** sirius you literally told my mom about all the illegal shit we did last summer  
over DINNER

 **Padfoot  
** i was put on this earth to make your boring little life sound exciting

 **Wormtail  
** i was grounded for a whole ass month

 **Padfoot  
** youre WELCOME

 

_[10:38 P.M.]_

_Lily Evans > Mary MacDonald_

**Lily Evans  
** hey uh  
are you pissed at marls?

 **Mary MacDonald  
** what no  
why

 **Lily Evans  
** idk she’s sitting on my bed being emo because she thinks you were kinda cold today  
also you didnt come to the match but your shift ends at 8 on wednesdays

 **Mary MacDonald  
** i hate that you know my schedule so well

 **Lily Evans  
** are you even surprised  
i adopted you six years ago

 **Mary MacDonald  
** you cant adopt anyone at thirteen lily

 **Lily Evans  
** debatable  
also dont change the subject you sneaky hoe

 **Mary MacDonald  
** okay fine but please keep it to yourself okay

 **Lily Evans  
** okay

 **Mary MacDonald  
** i didnt stay at work because of marlene but like. i was getting annoyed at how much she talked about the boys and beating sirius idk  
football never interested me  
i guess she got on my nerves

 **Lily Evans  
** oh

 **Mary MacDonald  
** but thats on me she didnt do anything  
can you at least make sure she knows that?

 **Lily Evans  
** okay yeah ill make sure she feels better  
no worries

 **Mary MacDonald  
** okay g thanks  
im exhausted though

 **Lily Evans  
** go to sleep child

 **Mary MacDonald  
** im older than you

 **Lily Evans  
** by TWO DAYS

 **Mary MacDonald  
** goodnight

 

_[Oct. 2nd - 07:32 A.M.]_

_Remus Lupin > Marauders VII_

**Moony  
** guys im not going to class from eight to eleven  
i have an appointment

 **Prongs  
** cardiologist?

 **Moony  
** yeah

 **Padfoot  
** we’ll get your notes and homework moony dont worry

 **Moony  
** thanks pads

 **Padfoot  
** do you want a ride?

 **Moony  
** no its fine dont worry im already at the bus stop

 **Wormtail  
** keep us updated moons

 **Padfoot  
** let me know when youre done  
ill pick you up

 **Moony  
** well if the gentleman insists  
thank you sirius

 **Padfoot  
** at your service

 

_[09:12 A.M.]_

_Mary MacDonald > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Mary MacDonald  
** guys  
i need your worthless opinions

 **Padfoot  
** i have been summoned

 **Mary MacDonald  
**_[sent a picture]  
__[sent a picture]  
__[sent a picture]_  
which one do i use for todays cookie design at the shop

 **Padfoot  
** the second one hands down  
its the cutest

 **Mary MacDonald  
** the giraffe?

 **Padfoot  
** yes

 **Lily Evans  
** i like the elephant one

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** agreed  
elephant ftw

 **Wormtail  
** giraffe giraffe giraffe

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** i cant believe yall are sleeping on the parrot like this  
its so colorful and gay  
i love it

 **Mary MacDonald  
** yeah its my favorite too  
okay parrot it is  
thanks guys

 **Padfoot  
** THE PARROT ONLY GOT ONE VOTE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Mary MacDonald  
** well fuck you i never said this was a democracy

 **Padfoot  
** outrageous

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** what kind of fake gay are you @ _Padfoot_ the parrot is RAINBOW  
my lesbian ass is THRIVING

 **Mary MacDonald  
** your what now

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** oh yeah lmao im pretty sure im a lesbiab

 **Padfoot  
** lesbiab

 **Wormtail  
** lesbiab

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** lesbiab

 **Mary MacDonald  
** okay guys t janks for teh help bye

 

_[11:26 A.M.]_

_Remus Lupin > Mary MacDonald_

**Moony  
** hello  
i just read the texts i missed from this morning and i couldn’t help but notice your Gay Panic when marlene came out

 **Mary MacDonald  
** my what

 **Moony  
** your Gay Panic

 **Mary MacDonald  
** my what

 **Moony  
** your Gay Panic

 **Mary MacDonald  
** my what

 **Moony  
** your reading comprehension is terrible

 **Mary MacDonald  
** jhfsdkfsjdhk fuck you

 **Moony  
** no seriously are you okay

 **Mary MacDonald  
** yeah im fine i just  
didnt expect it

 **Moony  
** yeah so your immediate reaction was to yeet yourself out of the situation

 **Mary MacDonald  
** yes

 **Moony  
** why

 **Mary MacDonald  
** have you seen marlene

 **Moony  
** yes

 **Mary MacDonald  
** she’s BEAUTIFUL

 **Moony  
** okay youre crushing hard  
got it

 **Mary MacDonald  
** remus lupin if you tell ANYONE about this i will rip out every single page of your tolkien books collection and make you swallow them one by one

 **Moony  
** you are terrifying i love you goodbye

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking superb you funky little lesbian


	3. fire and wine and movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> half of this has actually happened in my groupchat with my dumbass meme friends

_[Oct. 9th - 04:34 A.M.]_

_Mary MacDonald > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Mary MacDonald  
** which one of you heartless fuckers left a KID’S TOY inside my CLOSET so it could wake me and dorcas the FUCK UP in the middle of the night

 **Dorcas Meadowes**  
if yall dont answer i’m knocking down doors one by one

 **Padfoot**  
wasnt me  
i dont hang out with children

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** tf  
sirius why are you awake

 **Padfoot**  
stayed up late for something  
now i cant sleep  
also you just threatened us for possibly not replying but when i do reply im chased away??? homophobic

 **Mary MacDonald**  
does this terrifying object ring any bells  
_[sent a picture]_

 **Padfoot  
** literally never fucking show me that again  
what th e fuck is that

 **Mary MacDonald**  
an eyeless cat that has been squealing every thirty seconds since FOUR THIRTY

 **Padfoot**  
spawn of satan  
its gotta be james’  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes  
** god you were so quick to expose him

 **Padfoot**  
oh trust me  
this isn’t exposing james  
i could ruin his life and have him homeless in czechoslovakia by the end of the week if i truly wanted to

 **Mary MacDonald**  
not to interrupt your tale or anything but im about two robotic meows away from breaking into marlenes room to grab her lighter and burn this thing

 **Padfoot**  
dude?? i literally have like six lighters  
i’ll be right there

 **Dorcas Meadowes**  
sweet

 

_[08:10 A.M.]_

_James Potter > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Prongs**  
please tell me you didnt burn mr snuggles alive

 **Mary MacDonald**  
hi excuse me what the fuck did you just say the monstrosity's name was

 **Prongs**  
i bought him for my baby niece three days ago  
  
**Padfoot**  
oH NO  
I FEEL SO TERRIBLE  
JAMES IM SO SORRY

 **Prongs**  
sirius i  
im an only child  
i dont have a baby niece what the fuck are you on  
  
**Padfoot**  
a half hour of sleep and antidepressants

 

_[09:28 A.M.]_

_Marlene McKinnon > BAMFs_

**Marlene McKinnon  
** so who's gonna tell sirius that czechoslovakia doesn't exist anymore

 **Mary MacDonald  
** gu yS  
TODAYS FRIDAY RIGHT

 **Lily Evans**  
well yeah?

 **Mary MacDonald  
** DFJSKL I HAD A FUCKEN. TEST  
AND I FORGOT

 **Dorcas Meadowes  
** oh FUCK  
do you still have time to get there?????

 **Mary MacDonald**  
ITS AT 9:45

 **Dorcas Meadowes**  
RUN BITCH RUN

 **Mary MacDonald**  
iM GULPING DOWN CEREAL AS FAST AS I CAN

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** crunch crunch hoe!!!!! crunch!

 **Lily Evans**  
college life with you guys is like being stuck in a fever dream for four years

 

_[12:34 P.M.]_

_Marlene McKinnon > Mary MacDonald_

**Marlene McKinnon  
** hey dude  
how’d the exam go

 **Mary MacDonald  
** hi!  
it was okay tbh, kinda fell asleep halfway through but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ its a pretty small grade  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** oh gfhsjz  
cool then!  
im glad you made it

 **Mary MacDonald  
** are you having lunch rn?

 **Marlene McKinnon**  
i just left my last lecture, heading to the bagel place  
wanna meet?

 **Mary MacDonald  
** sure! i’ll be there in ten

 **Marlene McKinnon  
** great!!

 

_[04:21 P.M.]_

_James Potter > Marauders VII_

**Prongs  
** anyone got wine

 **Moony**  
i might  
gotta check the pantry though  
why 

 **Prongs**  
im so,,,,,,,, ughhhhhhh

 **Moony**  
ah yes…………..  
ughhhhhhh  
classic emotion

 **Prongs**  
about my exams i mean  
i feel like someone is going to come here and slit my fucking throat

 **Wormtail**  
aren’t your exams in like. december

 **Prongs**  
whats your point

 **Padfoot**  
hey babe if it makes you feel any better i just found a new ass workout

 **Prongs**  
why would  
why would a new workout for your ass make me feel any better

 **Padfoot**  
because you’ll get to stare at it??  
and think hmm  
thats a whole ass snack  
  
**Prongs**  
i’ll leave that to the ladies

 **Padfoot**  
……..ha………yeah…..  
the women……… the gals…..  
i love those haha definitely !!

 **Prongs**  
sirius im joking  
ive known you were gay since we were like fifteen and trashing snivellus’ room with bubble wrap  
because you stopped halfway through the prank to give me a full-on analysis of steve and bucky’s homoromantic dynamic  
  
**Padfoot**  
phew  
i thought you mistook me for a Hetero  
and yeah i remember that!!!! he put gum in narcissa’s hair and you convinced me not to frame him for murder and we became friends by breaking into his bedroom through the ground window at the same time

 **Prongs**  
great minds  
  
**Padfoot**  
hell yeah!!!!  
  
**Wormtail**  
great minds think alike BUT fools rarely differ!!  
  
**Padfoot**  
what about the gays  
  
**Moony**  
us gays rarely differ because all gays are fools  
  
**Padfoot**  
youre so fucking right

 **Moony**  
update _@JamesPotter_ i found some rosé  
i’ll be there in five

 **Prongs  
** swEET

 **Padfoot**  
SAVE SOME FOR ME  
ITS MY LAST LECTURE

 

_[4:47 P.M.]_

**Moony**  
_[sent a picture]_

 **Padfoot**  
WHAT  
FUC K YOU  
  
**Wormtail**  
HOW DID YOU FINISH THE BOTTLE ALREADY  
  
**Padfoot**  
peter i’ll pay you twelve cents to paint a dick on remus’ back and pretend youre one of those white girls painting a sunset  
  
**Wormtail**  
fifteen cents and you’ve got yourself a deal sir

 **Moony**  
god peter youre so cheap

 **Wormtail**  
sshhh  
can you hear that  
thats the sound of me running to paint a whole ass dong across your back

  

_[Oct. 16th - 11:50 A.M.]_

_Dorcas Meadowes > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Dorcas Meadowes**  
good MORNING you dumb fucks

 **Padfoot**  
man youre so mean i love you so much

 **Dorcas Meadowes**  
its friday which means movie night in the dorm basement and youre all invited!!

 **Prongs**  
wait is this a regular thing

 **Mary MacDonald**  
yeah pretty much

 **Prongs**  
why were we never invited before

 **Mary MacDonald**  
because fuck you thats why

 **Lily Evans**  
what mary means is that we’re inviting you now so just shut up and come with us

 **Moony**  
what are we watching  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
we still gotta vote but def a halloween movie  
  
**Moony**  
doNT SAY THE H WORD  
  
**Padfoot**  
H A L L O W E E N  
  
**Moony**  
too late 

 **Wormtail**  
oh god  
sirius we’ve been over this

 **Padfoot**  
listen im the halloween specialist so my vote counts double  
  
**Marlene McKinnon  
** thats literally not how it works  
  
**Padfoot**  
hocus pocus it is  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
NVMD THATS ABSOLUTELY HOW IT WORKS  
YOURE VALID  
  
**Lily Evans**  
what about the nightmare before christmas??? :^)

 **Moony**  
that is the single most optimistic, innocent-looking text i have ever received in my life  
and for that im voting for nightmare too  
  
**Lily Evans**  
:^D  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes**  
nightmare on elm street though  
  
**Lily Evans**  
oh no i hate that fucking movie it gave me nightmares for months  
  
**Padfoot**  
maybe thats why its called  
nightmare  
on elm street  
  
**Lily Evans**  
sirius if you make me Look Like A Fool one more time im gonna dye your hair neon green in your sleep  
  
**Padfoot**  
bold of you to assume i cant rock neon green locks  
  
**Moony**  
you cant  
  
**Padfoot**  
fuck you  
  
**Lily Evans**  
( ͡°  ͜ʖ  ͡°)  
  
**Wormtail**  
i say nightmare before christmas  
  
**Prongs**  
me too  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** me three  
  
**Lily Evans**  
its SETTLED THEN  
the people have spoken…………………… we shall get spooky tonight  
  
**Padfoot**  
FUCK YEAH  
  
**Dorcas Meadowes**  
8:30pm in the basement  
dont be late unless you want me to sucker punch you  
but like  
with love  
  
**Padfoot**  
in this house we stan friends who threaten you with affection

 

_[11:21 P.M.]_

_Mary MacDonald > Marlene McKinnon  
  
_**Mary MacDonald  
** so what did u think of the movie  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
it was awesome!! loved the songs  
also jack looks so fucking cool  
  
**Mary MacDonald**  
right???????? i love his striped suit  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
think i might dress up as him for halloween  
what do you think  
  
**Mary MacDonald**  
oh wow  
that’d be so awesome dude!!  
i can help you with the makeup if you want  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
god i’d love that  
youre so talented dude you should start a youtube channel or something  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** gahdsjqdhfsjkd im. screaming thank you wow  
i actually thought about doing that last year but i kinda gave up idk  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
why??  
  
**Mary MacDonald**  
idk didnt think i could do it  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
dude you definitely can  
and i’ll be ur biggest fan  
the six others too!!!  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** i dont deserve yall ur so sweet thank u sm  
  
**Marlene McKinnon**  
np!!!!!!! goodnight my dude  
  
**Mary MacDonald  
** night!!

 

_[02:17 A.M.]_

_Remus Lupin > TIME TO GET SPOOPY_

**Moony  
** did we ever find out who the fuck put the robotic cat in mary's closet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make my last two brain cells dance the cha cha slide


End file.
